Relationships require hard work and efforts from both sides. But, sometimes we go overboard and do things which may affect our relationships and can have a negative impact.
This could mainly be because of some unhealthy patterns in our past relationships , our upbringing or toxic relationships with our parents or relatives.
However, here are some patterns to watch out for that can mess up your relationships
1. Checking off the “List”
When you’re trying to find “the one” or in modern days as we call it – who to swipe left or right one, does your intuition sound like he or she doesn’t have a sense of humor or they’re cute coz they have a dog or they don’t have the physical attributes you’re constantly looking for?
When it comes to dating we have all have our deal breakers. Knowing what you want and setting standards for yourself is absolutely healthy. You don’t want to end up in a toxic relationship or someone you’re not compatible with.
What could be wrong is that you want someone who checks all of the boxes on your list. Although your must haves help you discover where to set boundaries and what you need, checking of the boxes equals to self sabotaging or ruining your relationship.
Because, when you finally get your dream relationship, your rigidity can cause you to not picture the bad days as much as the good. Your mind pictures your relationship as to be in constant sync with each other without any disagreements. But, in reality a relationship involves two different people. Not you and a clone who always does things the way you want them to.
2. When it’s all about you!
Think about your past relationships or the last fight you had in your current relationship. When was the last time you wanted to do things that your partner likes? You go out of the way to make sure you are the one that ends every argument. You manipulate them into thinking they are the one that made a mistake, (even if the fault is on your side) eventually getting them to apologize and make amends. You guilt trip them to find your way out of problems.
Not every situation or problem is entirely unintentional or unknown but if the about description sounds like you, then it’s time to evaluate your relationships. Making too many demands can have your partner question the relationship because it makes them feel bad about it or bad about themselves. This might lead them to walk out of the relationship coz you’re constantly demanding or expecting things to be a certain way, which they may not be able to offer.
Studies have shown that people tend to find temporary happiness from materialistic things but less real happiness in the long run. Not only can selfishness make you unhappy but it can also make you less attractive to potential partners. This can ruin relationships or even the possibility of you being in one!
3. When it’s all about them!
Did you know that sometimes you can be too selfless in your relationships? Have you noticed that you have no problems saving up by starving yourself or cutting down on necessary expenses, just to get them something they have always wanted? When they ask you what you want or your expectations in return, you have no idea what to tell them.
You tend the apologize a lot and for anything that makes your partner unhappy even if it has nothing to do with you. No matter what they need, you are always there for your partner – even if it’s at 3am! Even when they need someone to hold and listen to them after a rough day, you’re instantly there to comfort them. If you’re trying to do way too much for your partner, you are left with nothing but exhausted, low on cash and your mental health is declining.
Researchers have found that codependency or relationships that involves completely sacrificing your needs for another person, is strongly associated with anxiety and depression. This type of relationship isn’t advisable for you or your overall wellness.
4. The EX factor!
What was the first word or phrase that came to your mind when you read the word “EX”? Now think of every relationship you have had after your ex. How did your ex shape your future relationships? Did you go out of your way to find someone like them? Or did you go for someone who’s entirely the opposite? Or maybe the ex caused you to avoid relationships altogether for a long time?
You might have kept ties with your ex for various reasons. Maybe you both are a part of the same friend group or are working together or in extreme cases, have a child together that requires coparenting.
Perhaps the relationship is special to you or stands out or was the most toxic relationship. Maybe you feel guilty or are in denial on how things ended between the two of you. Whatever it may be, allowing your ex to take too much space in your head maybe keeping you from finding a healthy long term relationship.
If you find yourself comparing everyone you date with your ex, or that you’re avoiding making your current relationship exclusive because you’re waiting for your ex to reach out to you, then those are signs you haven’t moved on! You’re stuck thinking about the past and are less satisfied in your current life, leading you to make less and less efforts which can possibly ruin your relationship.
5. Blind eye to red flags
All relationships involve efforts from both sides. Part of the process is to realize when you need to let something go and when you need to stand up for yourself.
A red flag is something that we’ve heard of and is a major deal breaker that ruins relationships. You keep debating on boundaries and which issues you should excuse or which issues require asking someone to walk out of the door.
Figuring out what is the minor issue and what will not work for you is only the first step. You then have to decide what you want to do with the answers you get. Refusing to look at issues that keep coming back now and then with your partner only encourages toxicity to bloom.
Have you noticed any of these patterns in your relationships? Do let us know in the comments below.
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Though some people are still unaware how disturbing an unhealthy relationship can be, it is important that we take necessary steps to educate ourselves and the ones around us, in order to break the cycle.
If you or anyone you know has experienced barriers or toxicity in your relationships, please do not hesitate to seek help from a licenced professional
We at CareMe Health, are here to support and understand your issues and walk with you through this journey!
This blog was written under the expert guidance and feedback from Ms. Pooja Varma, Counselling Psychologist at CareMe Health
Edited and Coordinated by Arathi Nair